I have been pretty open about our journey that led to our first child Daniel. It was a bumpy road with a lot of twists, turns and scares…but at the end of the day we came home with our awesome little boy.
I think it is only natural around your first turns about two (which happened October 5th) that people start asking about number two. In a way, I guess that is actually flattering as you liked the first enough to think that we should have a second. If you said you didn’t want us to have one…that would be a sign!
Jenn and I started out our marriage with the plan to have two. We had both always wanted that. After the process began trying to get number one, we got the shocking realization that because of some issues for both of us, our actual chance of having kids was 3% on the optimistic side. Even still we decided to make a run at it again over the past year or more…and we came up empty. We made the decision to stop trying a couple of weeks ago.
It is ok though.
It wasn’t for a lack of trying. We even tried to step in artificially numerous times and that didn’t work either. Adding to that…we were getting this weird feeling that we might be intervening too much and trying to sort of play God forcing the issue. It didn’t stop us but we were starting to see it as a sign, so after a lot of trying and 5 failed attempts at getting it done medically…we were just done.
The weird part about this entire thing is that this decision was much harder to make after having Daniel than before. When we didn’t already have him, the decision was easy. Try everything possible until we had exhausted every possibility. There was no decision to make. We wanted a family and that was it. Now that we have Daniel, the real question became how far do we want to take this? Jenn and I both looked at each other and realized that the stress and uncertainty was weighing on us too heavily. There was a large part of each of us that kept trying and pushing because we thought the other one wanted to. After a long talk, we realized we were both tired and it was time.
Are we disappointed? Yes. Are we upset? Yes. Are we mad, devastated or ready to keep pushing at all costs? No. I think we have just come to grips that we are a one child family and we are really grateful for the gifts we do have in our life currently.
I know there is that “you never know…just when you stop trying!” that people love to allude to. The funny part is that we have said that to people in the past and we have actually seen that theory play out in real life several times. Jenn and I used to joke that we really just needed to relax and go down to Panama City, get hammered and we would come back pregnant! The high schoolers on spring break make it look so easy! Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple for us. There isn’t the “just when you stop” scenario for a multitude of reasons that I don’t really care to go into at this time. When you add in the really bad complications during the pregnancy with Daniel and the fact that we almost lost Jenn in the process of the delivery, this is more than likely a blessing in disguise. Jenn and I are just ready to get into the new house and get settled.
So enough of the sad stuff…
It has really been a great 2 years with Daniel. Jenn and I both feel that we were just meant to be this kid’s parents…we just aren’t sure why at this time. He has brought more joy into our lives than we could have possibly imagined. He literally keeps us laughing on a daily basis and he is always smiling. There isn’t a day that goes by that his laughter doesn’t just make everything alright around us. Even through selling our house, moving him into my parents basement then moving him again this week into the new house…he has taken all of the changes in stride and without issue. My parents spoiling the hell out of him for 3 solid months probably helped. The first two weeks in the new house is going to be detox!
Making this decision has not been easy but it is also a relief. The weight and stress that has been on us through the entire process is finally gone. We can start planning for the future and relax knowing we have our family. We are also going to try to make sure we don’t completing ruin D by making him the center of the entire universe! We have a great family and that is something to be very proud of. There was a time that we didn’t think having kids would even be possible and we would have given anything to even have one. That wasn’t that long ago and it is not forgotten.
It is really hard not to be happy. Even as I write this, I am looking at that picture in the pumpkin patch with a smile on my face thinking about how lucky and blessed we really are. So no #2…but a killer #1.